DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
You Might Also Like
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Pretty much! 😂👀
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.