Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
You Might Also Like
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.