Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
#oldknees
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I think this cat is broken
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The internet is undefeated.. 😂