Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience