Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
tinder is all about the long game
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
OKAY DAD
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.