Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
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“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
work smarter, not harder
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.