James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
You Might Also Like
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions