[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
watergate? u mean a dam??
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list