Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
dictator is short for richard potato
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
How wrong was this guy?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME