Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
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all bases covered
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Jogging
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
If I ignore life will it go away?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.