Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.