Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up