Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If you had more money you’d be happier.