I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park