10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
finally found a reasonable question
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.