My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
You Might Also Like
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I have a type: disappointing
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I’m not stressed
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.