Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Cheers Twitter.
This squirrel eats better than I do
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go