ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
You Might Also Like
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I think I’m having a stroke
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Science memes
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.