My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Need WebMD
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*