Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace