Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
This raises questions
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”