Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You Might Also Like
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.