I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
tell em, edith-anne
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called