Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
cause of death:
autopsy.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.