Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
This kinda thing happens to me often
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?