I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
New tinder profile pic
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.