🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I think they could have phrased this better
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’m aging like a fine banana
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
no
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch