sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*