HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Feel. He’s so soft.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My god she’s good.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶