I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You deplete me
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy