“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
the noise i just made
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.