Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are