*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?