I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?