6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.