*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho