SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
You Might Also Like
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.