If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing