What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
get you a girl who
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…