[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Candles never taste the way they smell
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.