“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.