‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Florida be like…
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.