Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Oh no
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
me before I type out affect or effect
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.