Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.