My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.