{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*