[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I feel seen
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”