We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago