Knock Knock
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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞