You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??